Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 7: "Jazz Hands."

Nick is sick. He is probably sick and tired of nonsequitur challenges that are sponsor driven rather than embracing the city of New Orleans. Or maybe he just had some soured Philadelphia Cream Cheese. 

How I feel about this season.

Nope. He’s got strep throat and is contagious for 24 hours. He’s forced to sit out the Quickfire challenge, and if he doesn’t recover in time, he will have to forfeit the competition. Unlike real life, where cooks calling in sick is unheard of, Nick cannot compete today.

The rest of the gang enters Top Chef Kitchen and finds Padma next to Kermit Ruffins, one of the most colorful and beloved musicians of New Orleans. Kermit is the essence of New Orleans jazz: joy and happiness. He also founded the jazz quintet, The Barbecue Swingers, and he often cooks barbecue for guests at their shows. Ever feel bummed out? Put on one of his albums, pour yourself a sazerac and get happy. 

Unfortunately, as unprepared as this season’s cheftestants are about New Orleans food, they are equally clueless about New Orleans culture. Walking in, Sara actually said, “Oh  there’s musical instruments!”

Seriously. Maybe to get ready for a season in New Orleans, god forbid you research a little bit about the city’s jazz culture or at the very least watch a few episodes of Treme? #FacePalm

Most of you have no idea who I am...

With Kermit in the house, obviously this challenge will involve music. Improvisation is a key skill to have both cooking in the kitchen and playing jazz on stage. I’ve often told people that cooking is improv. You have to constantly adjust to how your ingredients respond, much like jazz musicians must adjust to their fellow band mates. 

This week’s Quickfire is kind of like a game of cooking musical chairs. The chefs will start at one station and rotate when Kermit starts to play his trumpet. When the music stops, they’ll resume cooking at the station in front of them. No one knows how many rounds, or how long Kermit will play each round.

30 minutes total Quickfire length. Winner gets immunity. Let’s party.

The first song is “Treme Second Line (Blow da Whistle),” a Kermit classic. The chefs awkwardly “dance” their way around the stations. Some of them timidly wave their “jazz hands” around. Two minutes later, the music stops and it’s time to figure out who’s got what.

Even though chances are they won’t end up where they started, everyone is putting their best foot forward and pushing 100%. Sara’s searing duck breast, Justin’s stuffing baby quails, and Nina’s butchering fish. Moments later, the music starts again.

While Kermit plays “Drop Me Off in New Orleans,” the chefs once again awkwardly scurry around the station. I think at one point Stephanie’s doing the “robot?”

Wave it like you just don't care...

What the chefs are annoyed by is the literal “time” spent on moving around while Kermit plays. What is normally a 30 minute challenge is now 30 minus however long Kermit decides to play. 

Music stops. The chefs now openly asks each other what their original plan was, so they can decide either to stay the course or go another way. For the most part people are playing along and trying to make a go of it. All except for Brian.

Dude has no idea what to do. Realizing he’s probably not going to end up here in the end, he’s just gonna randomly sauté some vegetables. Slacker.

Here we go again. Probably due to time/editing, Kermit plays the same song very briefly. The chefs find themselves back where they first started.

Funny in just a few minutes, they find their original station/vision has gone off into a completely different direction. As usual, people like Patty and Brian made things that are completely not useful.

I'm crying on the inside.

Others, like Nina and Justin actually return to a well-managed station. Both feel confident that if they stayed put, the finished product will be a tasty one. But of course…

Another quick rotation and Louis find himself in the aftermath of Brian’s BS efforts. Nothing is done, and basically there’s bupkis to present. Meanwhile Justin learns the real meaning of “improv” when he had to throw away Patty’s gross goopy couscous salad. 

“Thanks everybody, for f*%king me over with this gross salad,” he says, annoyed.

Time’s up. Let’s see who took advantage of other people’s hard work and who got screwed.

Shirley-Patty-Shirley-Justin

Marinated Tofu Salad with Crispy Bacon & Cucumbers.

Stephanie-Brian-Stephanie-Louis

All the sadness.

Rosemary Okra, Rendered Pork Fat, Confit Potatoes with Frog Legs & Queso Fresco.

Carlos-Carrie-Carlos-Travis

Asian Inspired Steak & Potatoes with Soy Reduction.

Carries-Justin-Carrie-Sara

Trout with Cabbage & Pepper Slaw & Deep Fried Cannellini Beans.

Sara-Nina-Sara-Brian

Duck & Mussels with Flavors of Asia.

Louis-Stephanie-Louis-Patty

Pork Chops, Tamarind Sauce, Shaved Red Onions, Mint & Jalapeño.

Travis-Sara-Travis-Nina

Liver with Serrano Chilies, Celery Salad & Coconut Curry Mustard Sauce.

Brian-Carlos-Brian-Stephanie

Braised Chicken & Clams with Red Bean Sauce, Green Apple & Red Onion Slaw.

Ok I was wrong. More sadness.

Nina-Travis-Nina-Carlos

Pan Seared Redfish with Cucumber Slaw, Red Beans & Butter Sauce.

Patty-Louis-Patty-Shirley

Shrimp Boil & Herb Salad with Parsley, Ponzu & Olive Oil.

On the bottom. We’ve got the two “victims” of this challenge. Justin’s behind the 8-Ball because he landed in front of the tofu station. Not to mention, he had to throw most of the previous cooks’ efforts away because it was terrible. Also Louis, who inherited the mess of a frog leg station that slacker Brian left him

Apparently the Karma Police took the day off because the top dishes belonged to Brian, who spent more effort dancing instead of cooking, and Patty, who pretty much sunk Justin’s chance of winning by making bad couscous to go with tofu. The winner - Brian, who at least acknowledged and thanked ‘everyone else’ who worked on the dish. 

Yeah. We know where you put it.

Instead of a lesson in improvisation, we got a lesson on how to ride peoples’ coat tails. Oh well, best laid plans right? 

Elimination Challenge Time.

This week, the chefs will group together and prepare a cohesive potluck style dinner for Kermit and his musician friends. So basically, it’s another team challenge. The difference is they get to pick their own team. 

Wait a minute. Now this is a new one. Patty has NEVER heard of the term potluck before? The lack of basic knowledge with this season’s chefs is beyond comprehension. Potluck??

Since Nick is out sick, the team with only 3 chefs will either take him if he’s better, or have to compete without him. Call it punishment for being sucky and not being able to find a fourth person to join your team. Or we can be honest and just call them the kids who didn’t get picked. I’ll give you 3 guess on who those cooks are, but you’ll probably get it on the first try.

Gray Team.

Patty, Brian, Travis. Yup. The bottom of the barrel. Poor Nick. I don’t know which is worse. Having to go home for strep or getting sent home cooking with these yahoos.

They’ll have 2 hours to cook at the Top Chef kitchen and 30 minutes to finish their dishes at Kermit’s Speakeasy. Tonight, they get the privilege to have one of the greatest experience in New Orleans - Thursday Night at Vaughan’s with Kermit Ruffins. 

Kermit’s been doing this Thursday night gig at Vaughan’s since the early 90’s and it was one of those “must do’s” in New Orleans. Sadly, he recently decided it was time to end that gig and focus on other ventures. So these chefs should feel very grateful to have seen one of his shows there. 

The Green Team consists of Carrie, Nina, Stephanie, and Carlos. Easily the strongest team. Nina aside, Sara and Carlos both have had good showings so far. They’re focusing on an Italian theme, complete with dessert. 

Green Team.

The Blue Team’s got Shirley, Louis, Justin, Sara. Justin aside, this is obviously the “B” team. Shirley as usual, would not shut up. Justin’s rethinking why he’s on this team.

And we have the Gray Team. Um yeah. The leader and best chef of this team is home sick, giving directions to the rest over the phone. Despite Nick’s strict directions, Travis buys fish without smelling it. On paper, all four of them should have their bags packed and ready to go. Odd are not in their favor.

After shopping, the gang get ready for tonight’s party at Vaughan’s. Of course, Sara does what she does best, no not cooking, she gets her hair nice and big. It’s her speciality. Nick is still recovering so he’s left literally alone playing solitaire. 

Vaughan’s is one of those quintessential no-nonsense divey bars located in the Bywater area of New Orleans. Up until recently, Kermit literally packed the house every Thursday night. If you show up early enough you might get to taste his famous barbecued turkey necks and red beans and rice. Tonight, the chefs gets to experience the magic. 

Unfortunately, we only get a very quick look at Vaughan’s. As per this season, the producers glosses over yet another iconic New Orleans experience.

Best. Time. Ever.

Next morning, Nick is cleared to cook, and off to the Top Chef kitchen they go.

However, since he missed the first day he now feels the need to over compensate. Actually, he probably didn’t trust the Three Stooges and decided to do everything himself. Hell, I wouldn’t trust Patty enough to cook Thanksgiving Dinner, let alone an elimination challenge on Top Chef. 

You know who else I wouldn’t trust? Brian. Brian sees that Nick is taking on too much but hell, does doesn’t care. He says because he’s got immunity he’s “not too worried about it.” This is the worse kind of person to have in the kitchen. One of the best compliments chefs give one another is “I would go to war with this guy.” Frankly, I wouldn’t want this guy on my Pictionary team, let alone cooking.

I'm telling you. Last season was much better.

Almost time to eat. Guests and a local who’s who of musicians start to arrive. This week we have Gail, Padma, Tom, and Sue Zemanick, executive chef of Gautreau’s and Top Chef Masters contestant. Sue has multiple James Beard Award nominations and is regarded as one of the best Chefs in the country. 

Kermit says he was the king of potluck. It was common knowledge that he used to cook before and in-between sets of his shows, giving out free food for his fans. Apparently the city stopped him from doing that because they “were having too much fun.” As someone who’ve been to one of this shows, I can concur that if there can be such a thing as “too much fun,” it would be at one of Kermit’s shows. 

Here comes the food.

Blue Team:

Protip. Don't serve Tom okra.

Justin - Hominy Grits with Brown Shrimp, Roasted Okra, Fava Beans & Smoked Bacon.

Louis - Grilled & Pickled Vegetables with Crispy Sunflower Seeds & Mustard Vinaigrette.

Shirley & Sara - Glazed Beef with Charred Onions, Melon Pickles & Pickled Ginger Vinaigrette.

Blue teams gets good feedback all around. The highlight is Louis’ pickled and grilled veggies. Many guests, including Tom, says they’ve never had that combination before. The glazed beef was tender, grits are full of butter, looks like they’re going to be ok. I’m surprised they served Tom okra! It’s one of his least favorite things to eat!

Meanwhile the Gray team is struggling in the kitchen. The fish was portioned too thin, and in the last second Patty forgot to throw on the chili threads for the watermelon salad. Leaving off a component is a big no-no.

Gray Team:

 Watermelon and Cheese.

Brian & Travis - Togarashi Fried Chicken with Bee Pollen & Ponzu.

Patty - Tomato Watermelon Salad, Szechuan Pepper & Goat Cheese Espuma.

Nick - Barramundi & Red Drum Fricassee with Zucchini, Truffle & Yuzu Kosho.

Travis & Brian - Caramel Glazed BBQ Ribs, Dehydrated Potatoes & Peanut Gremolata.

As expected. Gray team kinda tanked. Although the fried chicken was crunchy and tasty, everything else had problems. The rub on the ribs tasted burnt. The fish was bland and overcooked. The watermelon salad lacked eat. Tom says if you’re going to do a savory watermelon salad, you need some spice or else it’s just sweet. #Protip.

Green Team:

Baby Artichokes.

Stephanie - Fried Baby Artichoke, Preserved Lemon & Anchovy Aioli.

Nina - Semolina Gnocchetti with Sausage.

Carrie & Carlos - Summer Tiramisu with Nectarines, Pistachio & Cheese.

Green Team knocked it out of the park. #Protip for future Top Chef contestants. Tom Colicchio likes artichokes. Especially if you prepare them correctly and don’t EVER use the tinned stuff. Yes he can taste the difference. 

Nina’s just coasting at this point. And by coasting I mean she can see that she’s taken a look around and there’s no need to be daring and risky. She’s made this gnocchi before, so hell, why not just do what works! Even though Tom notes she’s done this before, it’s still tasty and judges still like it. 

Last week I was sad. Now I'm just angry.

However, it’s not obvious to the chefs. Back in the stew room, every one is nervous. Sara says, “I’ve learned to feel like sh&t all the time until they tell me not too.” Yeah, guess that mean she’s been feeling that way for a LONG time now.

Usually everyone can get a good sense during the Flat Screen of Doom preview. Today the judges are being kinda vague. While it’s obvious who had the best dish, it’s hard to tell who might be in the bottom.

There were obvious complaints about Nick’s overcooked fish and Patty’s bland watermelon salad, but judges also didn’t like Carrie’s dessert and some thought Shirley’s beef was too tough.

Here comes Padma. The Gray team is summoned.

People are confused. Awkward applause ensues. 

There’s a term in boxing called “rope-a-dope.” The Gray team is about to find out what that means.

Walking in, you can tell by the judges faces that this isn’t going to end well. 

Tears of relief.

Even though Nick was responsible for a lot of the work on the Gray team, it was finally Patty’s time to go. Frankly, it was overdue. And of course, cue the tears. 

The Green team gets called in. Despite being called in last, they can tell from the Gray team’s faces and Patty’s tears that they’re going to be ok.

Kudos all across the board. Given the fact that Nina’s already made gnocchi once before, the win goes to Stephanie and her crispy artichokes. Plus, you know how much effort goes into prepping artichoke? Well deserved win. Not to mention, she knew who Kermit was, extra credit.

The gang gives the weeping Patty a supportive round of applause and a warm goodbye. It’s like watching a little sister who finally, as Tom puts it, “ran out of luck.” As much as I knocked on her you can tell she’s a good cook who just need more time and confidence to become an leader in the kitchen. Bye Patty, next time audition for that other Bravo show, Battle of the Top Sous Chef, where I’m sure you’ll do better! 

Next week. Another New Orleans Jazz Icon, Doctor John! 

Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 6: "Campfires, Cream Cheese and Countryside."

Michael Sichel is gone. No more annoying and phony terms of endearment like “boo boo” and “babycakes.” Nina is happy.

Lea Michele is gone. No more self-aggrandizing and phony culinary terms like “needs more acid” and “party in my mouth.” I am happy.

If you think he's handsome now...

After the non-sequitur guest appearance last week, it’s a relief to see John Besh, one of champions of the New Orleans food world to be this week’s guest judge. Time to bring the focus back to the region. Did you know that he was a former marine who was in Operation Desert Storm? 

Before the challenge is announced, the chefs were told to pack their bags. It’s time for an overnight trip. It’s also time for an impromptu Toyota product tie-in. 

Check him out back then.

The gang drives a hour north of New Orleans to Covey Rise Farms, a 50 acre farm that supplies restaurants and their local CSA/Produce club. When a restaurant claims the (all too cliched) term “farm-to-table,” they’re talking about a place like this.

Chef Besh tells everyone that one of the farm’s specialty are their creole tomatoes. These tomatoes are only grown in the southern parts of Louisiana. They are large, meaty, thin-skinned and juicy. Their Quickfire Challenge is to compose a dish highlighting these tomatoes in 20 minutes.

Paddy’s complaining that these Quickfires are getting shorter and shorter. I remember one season when the chefs had only 10 minutes to make a breakfast dish - with one hand! Quit your bitching.

Killer tomatoes.

The winner of the challenge will have immunity.

Here we go.

Here’s why this season has been kinda meh. If I were to tell you that Brian Huskey is making a “toad-in-the-hole,” using a big piece of tomato instead of bread you’d probably say, “who?”

Exactly. 

You know what Tom Colicchio would say? You got it. You’re not going to win Top Chef by sticking an egg in the middle of a tomato. And that’s also why eventually Brian Huskey is going to join the likes of Eliza Gavin, Whitney Otakawa, and Tracey Bloom. #RedShirts.

Everyone’s getting on Bene for this challenge. His past two attempts at tomatoes both landed him on the bottom. So the chances of him winning this challenge? Yeah.

No.

Nina’s making a chilled watermelon tomato soup. That’s what cooks refer to as “pushing.” To make a chilled soup in Louisiana summer heat in 20 minutes is ambitious to say the least, but she’s “pushing” herself to do something more than throw a freaking egg in the middle of a tomato. 

Stephanie, who claim she studied John Besh’s book prior to the season, goes with sliced tomatoes with cubes of watermelons, avocados, and crumbles of feta cheese. That’s literally something anyone can just throw together. Mean while, over at Masterchef Junior, 10 year olds are whipping up Beef Wellingtons. 

Here are the dishes from chefs with skills and imagination.

Carlos - Olive Oil Poached Tomato with Red Onions, Cilantro & Basil.

Nina - Chilled Watermelon Tomato Soup with Jalapeno, Fresh Basil & Shaved Zucchini.

Maybe we should be on Top Chef.

Louis - Tomato Seed Bouillon, Marinated Tomato, Watermelon Cucumber & Zucchini.

The winner - Nina’s chilled soup. Not that she needs it, but she’ll have immunity for this week. With the slight hiccup last week when Michael pulled her down to the bottom, Nina has been favored since the first challenge. Regardless of where she finishes, I suspect we’ll remember her name after this season’s over.

Elimination Challenge.

There’s that term again. Since they’re at a farm, they’ll be doing the whole “bring the farm to the table” business. They’ll have 90 minutes to showcase all the beautiful local produce. And oh yeah, every dish will have to have PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE!!

Told you this was a bad idea!!

Right. Because nothing says freshness and farm to table like commercialized processed food. 

Look. I understand a show needs sponsors. But it’s ridiculous to use this particular sponsor on this particular challenge. Isn’t the the whole point is to use local products? Isn’t the whole “farm to table” movement to source from small, nearby purveyors? So you guys go ahead and feature something that LITERALLY has the name of a city that is 1,200 miles away?!?! 

Philadelphia Cream Cheese says they source their milk from local farms and it goes from their creameries to their fridge is just 6 days. I also did check their ingredients list and everything in there does check out with the good people of Label Watch. So I guess as commercialized products go they’re not too bad. But wouldn’t it make sense to feature something like Creole Cream Cheese, something that is native to the region and could use the help to boost publicity? 

Wanna hear something even more shocking? Beloved John Besh, champion of all things New Orleans, serves a Creole Cream Cheese Red Velvet ice cream at one of his restaurants, Soda Shop. 

Guess he figured it’s not his show. But still, it’s this kind of BS that turns people away. 

The cheftestants will be serving the judges and some of the executive chefs from John Besh’s restaurants. Each will be responsible for either an app, entree, or desert. Dishes will be served family style. Everyone gets to draw knives to see which course they’ll serve, and along with immunity, Nina gets to pick first. She picks apps. Smart choice because it’s basically a one/two bite dish. No need to worry about protein/veg/starch composition.

Since this is a sponsored challenge, winner gets 10 grand.

After the knife pick for dishes, the chefs get a night off and relax at the Covey Rise Lodge, part of the whole Covey Rise Sportman’s Retreat. It’s got a pool, a fire pit, you know - outdoorsy stuff: Drink a beer, make some s’mores, nature walk. Hm. I wonder if they have wifi. #ProbNot

I would have looked great in a bikini.

Hey there’s a pool so that means bikini shots! Nope. I can hear the primal screams of the producers now with both eye-candy cheftestants Jason Cichonski and Janine Booth being eliminated. No T&A here, we get one shot of Stephanie hanging out with a beer in her tank top. Sigh.

Nina, Travis and Bene have formed a tight little group. They’re bonding and making s’mores. Nina says that Bene is a happy person and when you’re happy you make happy food. Notice she didn’t say “good” food. If I were Bene I’d ask Nina for some cooking tips. Because he’s making s’mores over open fire with his bare hands. I’m no Top Chef but I’m pretty sure you’ll burn yourself doing that.

Next day the chefs arrive at John Besh’s restaurant, La Provence. Right away everyone’s squeezed into the walk-in fridge, battling for ingredients. Since the *ahem* focus is on local and seasonal, there’s a limited amount of what’s available. Products are on a first come first serve basis. No need to fight for the cream cheese. They’ll have plenty of that.

I never have a problem getting my hair done in time!

With only 90 minutes, people are scrambling around. Somehow Sara finds the time to bitch about her lack of success thus. She says she’s tired on being in the middle of the pack - and that’s being generous to say the least. If she paid as much attention to her food as her hairdo, she’s have already won this thing.

Louis (yes, another name I don’t really recognize) utters one of those cliched competition phrases, “If it works it’s great, if not I’m screwed.” He’s making some sort of graham cracker bread pudding surprise with blueberries. 

Speaking of surprise. Surprise! Bene didn’t see the ingredients he had hoped for so now he doesn’t know what to do. I wonder what he was hoping to find? Ready-made po’boys from Parkway Deli? He’s going to be super creative and cook chicken. 

Bene. You're doing it wrong.

Justin’s in a odd spot. Much like the Commander’s Palace challenge, he knows some of these chefs that will be in attendance. Hell, as a James Beard award nominee, he could probably be one of the chefs working for John Besh. Extra pressure for sure.

Instead of Tom Colicchio, it’s John Besh who does the cook ‘n chat. John is much less intimidating than Tom. It’s not that John’s any less of a chef, you can just tell his style of mentoring is much more nurturing. It’s like being motivated not out of fear but out of not wanting to let him down. 

Tavis’ mom has a crush on John Besh. Of course! John Besh is a handsome man! I’m sure if he was Asian Travis would be fighting his mom for John Besh. 

Beacon of Positivity. 

Sara’s running out of time. She’s having problem stuffing her lamb loins (no pun intended) so now her lamb doesn’t have enough time to cook. She says she just needs to stay positive to make it work. Yeah, because you know, she’s been the most positive person in the kitchen thus far. She’s just glad what she has the plate isn’t disgusting. That’s the positivity! 

Time for the appetizers.

Patty - Snapper Crudo with Cream Cheese Vinaigrette. 

Brian - Summer Squash & Zucchini Tagliatelle with Poached Oysters & Emulsified Cream Cheese.

Carlos - Poached Beets & Pickled Carrots with Peach, Habanero & Cream Cheese Sauce.

Nina - Crispy Zucchini Blossoms with Eggplant & Cream Cheese Puree.

Sara - Island Spiced Lamb Chop Stuffed with Cream Cheese & Curry Powder.

Finally. Something delicious.

The stand outs here were Carlos and Nina. Carlos manages to bring his Mexican background into every dish. There’s always some sort of chillies or cilantro to accent that unique flavor. And Nina’s just being Nina. Smokey eggplant puree with the tangy cream cheese stuffed in a crispy zucchini flower. Crispy and savory in one bite. 

Not surprisingly, Sara’s lamb was severely undercooked. Her dish was clearly the bottom of this group.

Back in the kitchen, the next group is finishing up the entrees. Bene’s in a bit of a trouble. (I feel like I write that every week.) He feels the vegetable are underdone, so he throws it back on the stove and covered it with some tin foil. The result is mushy, steamed vegetables. He says, “It’s not my best work.” I feel like he says that every week.

Here are the entrees.

That lamb is not quite silenced...

Bene - Roasted Chicken Breast Filled with Caramelized Onions & Tarragon Cream Cheese.

Carrie - Vinegar Braised Chicken in Cream Cheese Sauce with Chilled Cucumber.

Justin - Roasted Duck Breast with Eggplant Vinaigrette, Chanterelle Mushrooms & Corn Puree.

Travis - Seared Lamb Chops with Moroccan Succotash & Cream Cheese Aioli.

The judges concur with Bene. Just not Bene’s food. When Tom Colicchio says, “Steamed potatoes with paprika on them, it’s just like ‘what are we doing here?’” You know you’re in trouble.

Zzzzzz.....

John Besh’s being nice. He thought Travis’ lamb stood out. Tom disagrees. “Let’s put it this way. If any of these guys here made dish like this for you or one of your restaurants they wouldn’t be at this table!”

The only stand out here was Justin’s duck. This is were being local comes in handy. Justin knew that aside from vegetables, Covey Rise also has Chappapella Farm nearby and they raise free range, happily treated ducks. His seared duck breast with mushrooms could be the best dish on the day. No one can really taste the cream cheese in the sauce. Perhaps that’s his secret!

Tom tells this story of back in the day when his moms rolls up colored breads with cream cheese and pimento olives and serves them at her dinner parties. I love it when Tom tells childhood stories. It’s the only time I’m not deathly afraid of him.

Tell me again why we're doing a cream cheese episode?

Lastly, the desert group puts on the finishing touches.

Stephanie’s having a tough week. After serving the simplest of dishes to John Besh, now her “desert” isn’t work out at all. She tried to combine cream cheese with whipped cream and it’s just not mixing. So basically she’s serving a pile of goop. 

The sweet stuff:

Louis - Graham Cracker with Blackberries & Cream Cheese Mousse.

Nick - Funnel Cake & Carrot Cake with Peach Flavored Ice Cream.

Shirley - “Philadelphia” Steamed Egg Custard with Macerated Blueberries.

Stephanie - Cream Cheese, Peach & Cherry Mousse with Cream Cheese Short Dough.

Ectoplasm. 

Everyone is wondering what happened with Stephanie’s “mousse.” One guest chef said it was “broken” on many different levels. Even Tom says there’s gotta be a story behind this. Not good.

Nick was the big winner in the desert round. His funnel cake was a great combination with the carrot cake mousse. Being from Philly, glad to see he knows how to incorporate the ingredient! However, no one at the table mentioned it.

Overall, the guests and judges were not impressed. Usually chefs love to cook for other chefs. It’s one of those unsaid things where you did your best work simply because you know that they will understand and appreciate your efforts more than the average guy. However, today most the cheftestants folded under pressure. Once again, it feels like some these guys are cooking to get by rather cooking to win.

Back in the Stew Room. The Flat Screen of Doom flickers on.

This season so far.

Padma’s disappointed. John Besh is disappointed. We’re all disappointed. But what did you expect when they’re forced to use freaking Philadelphia cream cheese in every dish? But that’s no excuse. Some of these cooks are just weak.

The few highlights were Nick’s funnel cake, Justin’s duck, and Nina’s blossoms. Time and time again Nina’s among the top dishes. Sara is intimidated and resentful. There’s that positivity again.

The winner to no one’s surprise is Nina. If this keeps up we’ll just call the show “Cooking with Nina Compton!” 

On the bottom we have some familiar faces. Bene, Sara, and Travis are called to face the music. Somehow Stephanie was spared. Perhaps because it was a dessert course? Hard to imagine she survived service a goopy mess.

Welcome to the club, Bene.

As Tom puts it so eloquently, the loser “went from farm to table and took a detour to the cafeteria.” Bene and his steamed vegetables gets the cut. He joins Mohammed,  Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton in a lonely corner of the Omega house. Enjoy the punch and cookies!

Next week is going to be awesome. To prepare for it, go fix yourself a sazerac and set your Pandora station to Kermit Ruffins! 

Please follow me on twitter @ChezWu!

Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 5: "Lea Michele's Halloweens Bash."

Everybody is crying on Top Chef.

Every week we start the episode with someone sobbing in the stew room. And they’re not even the ones who got sent home!

I'm in a glass case of emotion.

However, this week I’m crying too. As soon as I saw Bravo’s title for this week’s episode my eyes started to well up. Because what in the world does Lea Michele have anything to do with food OR New Orleans??

I digress. For now.

Alright. The producers/editors are basically following a set structure now and it’s boring and predictable. It goes like this: Stew room (tears) to morning preparation to someone calling home. This morning it’s disgraced Captain Vietnam Travis Masar.

Travis is very close with his mom and she knows that he’s gay. Travis then tells us that he doesn’t talk to his dad much about his personal life and his dad does not know he’s gay. Oh Travis, he knows. I think he got the hint when you kept bring those Asian boys around the house. 

Yeah. This episode has no heart either.

You know who else is crying this week? The Top Chef production assistants. Because the chefs walk in to Top Chef kitchen next day to discover that everything is covered in aluminum foil. EVERYTHING. 

Last season they wrapped all the ingredients up in foil and the chefs had to pick ingredients blind. This year for the sake of variety (wouldn’t want to do the exact same challenge twice right?) they also wrapped pots, pans, and all cooking utensils in aluminum foil. Oh and they brought Padma and Gail’s moms into it.

It’s not Mother’s Day so the “connection” is that apparently “real moms across America are using Reynold’s Wrap every day in the kitchen to develop tips and tricks to make cooking faster and better.”

Hm. Does that mean moms who don’t use Reynold’s products are fake moms? Sigh, product tie-ins. 

Not adopted.

It’s actually kinda adorable to see Gail and Padma’s moms. Wait a minute. Is Padma adopted? While Gail looks almost exactly like her mom, Padma is about a foot taller and  has bares very little resemblance to hers. No offense to Mama Lakshmi, who is a very pretty and lovely lady in her own right, but yeah - looks nothing like Padma.

The chefs are divided up into two teams. The two moms have 5 minutes to gather up as many utensils and ingredients are possible. The two teams then have 30 minutes to prepare 3 dishes and they must use everything in the cart. Winning team gets to spilt 10 thousand dollars. That’s the prize you get for the show selling out.

Actually, it was fun to watch the moms scramble around to gather mystery ingredients. Moms are adorable when they’re not handing out guilt trips about not being a grandmother yet. 

Cook? We couldn't afford to cook.

So basically this is one of my favorite things to do. I call it, “Cooking with Watcha Got.” It’s a invaluable skill for those times when your pantry is left with misc scraps. Carlos reminisces about back in the day when they were poor and his mom had to “cook with watcha got.” Notice how no one ever tells the story about how rich they were and had a hard time deciding between lobster or caviar? 

There were some odd ingredient combinations but nothing too outlandish. The most “far out” was probably Nina getting stuck with canned beans and cherries. Hey, when in doubt, make soup!

On the other side, Carrie is trying to make sabayon without a whisk. #FirstWorldProblems

Here are the dishes:

Team Simmons:

Papillote. It's like a highbrow hobo pouch.

Sara & Stephanie - Lamb & Fonduta with Sharp Cheddar & Roasted Mushrooms.

Justin & Michael - Red Snapper Papillote with Rice Pilaf.

Carrie, Louis & Shirley - Compressed Burrata with Pickled Apples & Balsamic Sabayon.

Team Lakshmi:

Carlos & Travis - Clams Poached in Fish Sauce with Coconut Cream.

Potpourri soup.

Nick & Patty - Snapper & Branzino Papillote with Mustard Vinaigrette.

Bene, Brian & Nina - Soups with Beans, Carrots, Chiles & Okra with Cherry Chutney.

Seems like the Team Lashmi’s strategy was to give Nina (clearly one of the most talented chefs here) all the crappy ingredients and see what she can do with it. And it paid off. Despite the weird soup, all of their other dishes was harmonious and flavorful. They get to split the 10 thousand dollars between the six of them. Don’t spend it all at one place kids!

Gail and the moms leave. And here comes the pain. By pain I mean singer, actress, and star of the show Glee, Lea Michele. 

I clinch when I say CHEESE. That's the kind of person I am

Let me start off by saying that I have seen the show Glee before. It’s not my favorite thing but sometimes you make sacrifices for the people you love. And the only thing I know about Lea Michelle is that she’s a talented singer. That is all. 

However, we’re in freaking New Orleans. Why on God’s green earth do we have Lea Michelle anywhere near the Top Chef kitchen/set? There are umpteenth number of cooks, writers, musicians to choose from in this awesome city and you go with Lea Michelle??? #FacePalm

Tomorrow Lea is having a costume party and the chefs are the caterers. They have to pair up and create two dishes featuring a spooky theme. After all, this is a Halloween episode. 

They’ve got five minutes to chat up Lea and find out her likes and dislikes. I’m warning you right now, the pain continues.

L is for Lea. Because it's ALL about her.

If you’ve ever watched an episode of Glee, you know what Lea’s character Rachel Berry is like. A insufferable high maintenance prima donna who wants what she wants. 

Ladies and gentleman, I give you - Lea Michele.

“I really love a vegan lifestyle. When I want to give myself a little bit of a break I go to vegetarian, which I allow cheese.”

Yup. This is the person judging you today. Someone who loves to deprive themselves of  things that are delicious and only gives herself a “break” by allowing cheese. Did I mention she also doesn’t like sweets? This is clearly someone who enjoys and celebrates everything there is to love about food. This is also why there’s a need for a sarcasm font.

She says that she loves ALL vegetables, but when Nick ask her if she like beets, she says no. So Lea, you don’t really love all vegetables do you? She’s Italian, so she likes pasta, pizza, and things that are fried. “Party in your mouth.” I’m going to leave that one alone.

Vegan?! You're kidding me right?

Well, there you go. Go cook some cheesy vegetables and pasta and make sure you make it spooky. As if cooking like this isn’t scary enough.

There were some interesting ideas. Shirley’s making a worm-like pasta dish, Carrie’s going with an all black scheme, and everybody is making arancini, a fried rice ball that usually has a savory, sometimes cheesy filling. 

Can’t blame them I guess. If you plug in the words “Italian,” “cheesy,” and “fried,” into your personal Goggle machine, chances are arancini is going to pop up as one of the more popular options. So now this becomes an arancini contest.

Bene and Brian decide to go the completely opposite direction and make 2 separate salad dishes, a trio of tomato salad and a quinoa feta salad. I dozed off just typing that sentence. 

Dumb and Dumber

Brian says that a chef, he believes one can indulge with lighter cuisine like spa food and salads. That’s like saying I believe I can get drunk by drinking O’Doul’s. 

Their slogan is “Come massage your palate with our spooky spa cuisine.” Um yeah. I’d say don’t quit your day job but I think that’s in jeopardy as well. 

Nina and Michael are not getting along. This is no surprise to anyone who saw last week’s episode, when she compared him to Pamela Anderson’s boobs. It’s also hard to work with someone who constantly calls you “boo-boo,’ “baby cakes,” and “sweetie.” So yeah, he is pretty much a boob.

I can hear myself yawn!

Here comes the judges in their costumes. Hugh Acheson is some sort of prince. With his shaggy hair and sleepy eyes, he’s more of a Prince Valium than Prince Charming. Padma has on an elaborate feathered head gear, perhaps a Voodoo Princess? 

Tom is wearing a dandy straw hat, round glasses, a bow-tie with a summer suit. He says he’s channeling the Great Gatsby, but he looks more like someone who you’ll see Sunday Mornings on Fox News Channel. 

Lea Michele has on a black dress and cat ears. Thanks for the effort Lea. 

The food.

Um. There's some dirt on your plate.

Black Team - Carrie & Stephanie:

Doomed Shrooms: Mushrooms with Black Garlic & Radicchio.

Freakly Leeky: Ash Coated Vegetables with Fontina Fonduta.

Tom and Lea really like this combo. The presentation was nice, it kinda looked like a graveyard. Mushrooms were cooked correctly, and the fonduta packed a good punch for the vegetables. Good start.

Yellow Team - Nicholas & Patty.

Nicholas - Fall Theme: Butternut Squash Cannoli with Ricotta Salata.

Patty - Fall Theme: Lemon Arancini with Smoked Mozzarella.

Um. There's some spit on your plate.

When Hugh asked how is this dish “Halloweeny” Patty had no answer. The fact is that wasn’t spooky or Halloweeny. It’s just kinda...orange. Hey, as long as things tastes good I think you’re gonna be ok.

Green Team - Brian & Bene.

Brian - Spooky Spa: Crispy Quinoa Salad & Mushroom Espuma.

Bene - Spooky Spa: Heirloom Tomato Salad with Wilted Kale.

Not scary, not season, not looking good. The only doom and gloom here is the food and the concept of serving spa food at a Halloween party. I’d make more puns about how scary their food is, but you get the point.

Rice ball.

Orange Team - Nina & Michael.

Nina - Candy Corn: Ricotta Gnocchetti with Kale Pesto.

Bloody Eye - Yellow Arancini with Saffron & Tomato Jam.

Nina’s gnocchi is perfectly cooked. Clearly the odds on favorite, she just brings it at every challenge. Michael’s rice ball on the other hand didn’t fare so well. The sauce tastes too sweet, almost like store bought. One thing you don’t want to do is to serve Tom Colicchio a terrible gravy. 

Rice ball.

Red Team: Travis & Carlos.

Travis - Dia De Los Muertos: Vegetable Ceviche.

Carlos - DIa De Los Muertos: Goat Cheese Fondue with Fried Zucchini.

Hey look. It’s Bravo Andy dressed as...Dandy Bravo Andy! I didn’t think he could possibly be dandier than he already is.

Blue Team: Louis & Shirley.

Louis - Severed Thumb: Braised Quinoa & Onions with Potato Puree.

Shirley -Worm Salad: Hand Cut Noodles & Fresh Daikon Radish.

Sense a trend?

Lea likes the acidity on the veggies for the noodles and hey who doesn’t like a severed thumb! 

Wait. Did Lea Michele just dropped the term “acid” in front of Tom Colicchio? Sigh. Watch a few episodes of Top Chef and everyone’s a critic.

Gray Team - Justin & Sara.

Justin - Blood Pasta: Beet Pasta with Green Tomatoes.

Sara - Evil Eye: Arancini with Moroccan Tomato Chutney.

Little Miss High Maintenance was quick to point out that she didn’t like beets. To which Justin was kinda like, whatever. Good for him. And right about now I feel the same way Tom does, “Another risotto ball.” Yawn.

I'm the worst person in the world.

Party’s over. Let’s head to stew room for the flatscreen of doom and see who’s probably on the top and who’s on the chopping block.

Out of the multiple arancino, Patty’s came out on top. She can’t believe it. Frankly, neither can I. Sure seems like she was on her way out 3 episodes ago and here she is in with the top group. Nick’s dish also scored high. See, you don’t necessarily have to play the stupid theme game. As long as things are delicious, you’re gonna be ok.

The Red Team’s spicy dishes also won Lea over. The heat on Carlos’ crispy zucchini and Travis crunchy veggie ceviche were also among the judges’ favorites.

Now I understand why they did that.

On the less fortunate end, we’ve got the uneven combo of Nina and Michael. All along it seems like Michael was just riding Nina’s coattails and now those tails are turning around to bite them both in the ass. While the judges liked Nina’s dish, Michael rice ball was just meh.

And lastly we have the pathetic “spooky spa food” brothers. The sauce on the quinoa salad was too heavy and what can you say about a tomato salad? Snooze fest.

In the end, Lea picked Carlos and Travis for the win because they made the “two dishes that best satisfied (her) cravings and followed the extensive rules that (she) gave.”

Ok now I know why she as invited for this Halloween episode. Imagine dating this woman? She might be the scariest thing ever. *shudder*

The Green team gets blasted for making spa food when Princess Lea specifically asked for indulgence. The Red team gets blasted because Michael is a boob and can’t make a fried rice ball. Padma really went after Nina, scolding her for not policing Michael’s dish. 

No more nonsense celebs and product tie-ins!

At this point I would have put money down that the spooky bland spa food goes home. But the judges decide that the biggest boob, Michael, deserves the cut for his dried balls and too sweet tomato sauce. It’s a damn shame because I really like Galatoire’s. Hard to imagine that he’s the same chef that managed to serve us great food time and time again. 

No one in the stew room is surprised or shedding any tears over his exit. He was grating on people’s nerves since day one. I’m going to miss him as much I I’ll miss Lea Michele.

Alas, to Last Chance Kitchen you go. Good luck battling the Australian Sensation, Janine, who reigned supreme on last week’s 5 chefs Last Chance Kitchen Battle Royale. 

Next week. John Besh, an actual New Orleans legend to the rescue. 

Thanks for stopping by and we’ll see you next week!

Hey how about follow me on twitter @ChezWu!