Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 14: "Po' Boy Smack Down."

The Aftermath.

It's ok. I can't believe they killed her off in the beginning either.

Shirley is BAWLING. I’m talking type of bawling you get from watching the opening sequence of the movie “Up.” However, these must be tears of relief. Because the person who should be crying is Stephanie. But she’s too busy  losing to Louis in Last Chance Kitchen. Her tears will have to come later. 

The next morning over sponsored coffee products (I can assure you most Top Chefs do not run on Dunkin if they don’t have to) Carlos tells everyone he hopes today it’ll be a Mexican Challenge. What does it matter to him? Carlos is going to cook Mexican food regardless of the challenge. 

We’re down to 5 now. So it’s very likely this might be the last challenge before the finale. 

Does that look like someone you wanna disappoint?

This week’s Quickfire guest judge is Roy Choi, the King of L.A street food. He propelled the food truck movement in Los Angeles by elevating his brand of Korean-Mexican cuisine and made it available to the masses. Roy talks about how in L.A he used the tortilla as a canvass and filled it with his passion and the tastes he grew up with.

Carlos’ eyes just lit up. Tortillas? Could it be? A taco challenge?

Um. NO.

This is still New Orleans buddy. So let’s let Padma make the awkward segue and compare L.A. tacos to New Orleans po’boys.

Parkway Deli. Po' Boy Mecca.

It’s about time we bust out this iconic sandwich! A proper New Orleans po’boy is unlike any sub, grinder, hoagie (whatever you call it) you’ve ever had before. Crunchy baguette filled with crispy shrimps and oysters dressed in lettuce, tomato and a slather of that tangy remoulade. Or one with meltingly tender roast beef drenched in rich gravy filled with debris (those little bits and pieces of beef) that makes the whole thing a delicious mess in your hands. A five napkiner, if you will.

It’s really one of the best thing to eat.

However, I am Jack’s angry taste buds.

The other Po' Boy Holy land.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Roy Choi and I love tacos. And sure, L.A is known for its tacos just like Philly is known for its cheesesteaks, but how about we show some local love and get the owner of Domilise's or Parkway Deli or one of the many po’boy shops to come down and judge this thing? Or at least a shoutout? Or at the very least mention Leidenheimer Baking Company and how important the proper bread is to a po’boy? I digress.

In this Quickfire, the chefs are to create a unique and personalized po’boy. At least Chef Coi brings the passion to this contest because, just like his tacos, he wants the chefs to put some of their history and story into the po’boy.

20 minutes. Winner gets immunity. 

Wait what? Immunity is still up for grabs? I guess any challenge involving such a revered item is worth it.

What a proper po' boy looks like.

Guess what Carlos is making? “Mexican” po’boys. He’s going to make some carne asada and use a baguette instead of tortillas. It’s like a broken record at this point. Gumbo challenge? Mexican gumbo. Étouffée challenge? Mexican étouffée! I guess with this one at least he’s supposed to incorporate where he’s coming from. 

Brian’s going the antithesis of a po’boy. Dude is using lobster. Guess this is his way of reminding  us how he was raised with a silver spoon. He’s also going to use gochujang (Korean bean paste) in hopes to relate with fellow Korean, Chef Choi.

Nina’s going Caribbean and Shirley’s doing Asian. What’s new.

20 minutes flies by. Here come Roy and Padma.

Let’s see if they properly honored this glorious sandwich.

Does that look right to you?

Nick - Fried Shrimp Po’ Boy with Mayo, Sriracha, Fennel & Pancetta.

Shirley - Sautéed Catfish Po’ Boy with Mirin, Ginger, Garlic Glaze & Cabbage Slaw.

Nina - Fried Mahi Po’ Boy with Mojo Aioli & Pickled Onions.

Brian - Asian Inspired Lobster Po’ Boy, Gochujang Aioli & Yuzu with Pickled Napa Cabbage.

Carlos - Al Pastor Po’ Boy with Guajillo Chilies, Pineapple, Onions & Roasted Garlic.

Ok, Carlos literally just said, “I went really classic with al pastor.” Um. Classic what?

Not even close.

Chef Coi was really quiet throughout the tasting. He would carefully peel back the bread and examine the filling. Little questions like “Is the shrimp seasoned at all?” “Did you put any crunch?” was it. The chefs can’t really gauge how they performed. 

Well, that’s because Roy hated it. All of it.

“I’m gonna start talking on the real man, like you guys kinda missed the boat on this.” #WOMP

He said that this was a cook’s dream and they “F’ed it up,” And if this was his kitchen this would be the time where they’d take a tour to the walk-in (refrigerator) for some “straight talkin’.”

Does “straight talkin” means getting your ass kicked? Because Roy looks like he’s about kick some ass right about now. Dude is pissed! 

The al pastor was lacking in flavor. Nick’s po’ boy was too salty and the mayo wasn’t covering the entire bread. Brian’s gochujang didn’t come through. He failed to represent Korean flavors. Shirley’s flavor was good. Chef Choi liked the pops of black vinegar, but he says if that’s a representation of Chinese cuisine, it was “pedestrian.” And Nina’s po’ boys just didn’t make him dance. 

Damn. Dude is rough. This was like an episode of “Scared Straight.”

Chef Choi is right. All season long these guys have been thinking too much as chefs, as contestants, not as cooks who cook for the heart. Sure we’ve seen a little love and soul that comes through here and there, but as a whole these guys are paying more attention on how to win rather than making the best dish. 

We're all hurting over this season.

In a city that’s all about passion for life, culture, and food, the lack thereof is reflected in their dishes and in the season as a whole.

No matter what there’s still has to be a winner right? Chef Choi begrudgingly gave the win and the immunity to Shirley. I guess “pedestrian” is the least offensive of them all. 

Judging from the sidebar reactions, these cheftestants don’t really respect Chef Choi. Carlos went as far as saying that Choi didn’t know what he was talking about. I’m sure Carlos has never heard of Chef Choi before.

Nope. Wrong guy.

Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure everyone’s heard of this week’s guest judge. Actor, director, and now “chef,” Jon Favreau!

Chef Choi recently worked with Jon Favreau on his new movie, “Chef.” The movie is about a chef who loses his restaurant job and starts up a food truck business in order to find his creative self. Aha! That’s why Roy was so harsh earlier. He was setting the stage for this challenge!

Jon Favreau comes in looking like someone who’s been around food quite a bit (ahem) and starts explaining this week’s challenge.

He say this week the chefs must cook using only what they find in the dumpsters of French Quarters. #sike.

That's the guy.

Ah Jon. Always the funny guy. He said the chefs looked nervous and he just wanted to loosen them up. I think Shirley almost had a heart attack.

Ok. For the real challenge, create a dish that represents a turning point in their career.

For this challenge they will be cooking at Cafe Reconcile. This location is apropos because Cafe Reconcile is place where they teach troubled city youths crucial life skills so they can go on to have a productive life. For many at-risk kids of New Orleans, Cafe Reconcile is a turning point in their lives. 

Real Deal Holyfield.

Tomorrow, they’ll have two and a half hours to cook. Tonight, they get to hang out with Jon, Emeril, and Gail and go feast on some food truck food!

Ok. So we’re under the impression that the gang is going to visit a bunch of local food trucks, sample their respective foods, and gather some inspiration right? 

Nope. Seems like the show hired a catering truck from Drago’s, parked it at a Breaux Mart parking lot and created a “food truck” atmosphere! Ugh. Is nothing authentic anymore!

Regardless. Drago’s is local and make these AH-Mazing chargrilled oysters. These giant Louisiana oysters are loaded with herb butter and topped with a blend of Parmesan and Romano cheese. It’s insanely good. 

Yada yada yada...

So Jon’s chatting up the gang. He says that from a lot of the chefs he’s spoken to have had moments where they find their voice, and he wonders if any of the cheftestants have also had that moment.

Brian jumps right in and tells us about how he was burnt out, how he started getting angry in the kitchen, how he started drinking, how he got a DUI…yada yada yada.

You know how at a party where someone’s just babbling on about their live but you really couldn’t care less and yet you’re just staring and nodding? Yeah, that’s the look on everybody’s face. 

Shirley says she was hoping that being on the show would give her that “moment” and she thinks it did. She found it during the Vietnam shrimp challenge, where she was inspired by Emeril and realized the importance of cooking from the heart. 

I have zero interest in what you're saying.

Ah “Uncle Emeril,” as she calls him, inspires us all. It’s all about the love.

Apparently there’s no love for Roy Choi. Carlos drew a picture of him, put it up on a dart board, and actually threw darts at it. Guess he doesn’t plan on opening a restaurant in L.A anytime soon.

Next day. Time for some Whole Foods.

Nina is focusing on the idea that was taught to her by Scott Conant of Scarpetta, “Sometimes simple is the best way,” as well as to cook using the best ingredients and highlight flavors for what they are. She’s going to make (surprise!) pasta.

"Hey Trent. I'm on Top Chef and it's boring me to death."

Nick is going to have a carrot festival on his plate. Dude is preparing carrot 5 ways. He says it’s something he used to do at his old restaurant’s tasting menu, to prepare one ingredient several different ways. 

Oh you remember how his old restaurant got taken over by new management and they kept everybody BUT him? Hm…I wonder why.

Carlos is excited that he finally gets to do his kind of food. I guess making al pastor and putting inside a baguette versus a tortilla was really out of his comfort zone. He’s telling his life story to the butcher behind the counter who I’m sure is as emotionally invested in Carlos as I am. #no

Shopping over. Time to head to Cafe Reconcile.

"Promote your movie baby promote!"

Emotions are running high. Nick all but threatened Carlos when Carlos moved Nick’s pots. “You move my pot again, we’re gonna have a problem.” Yeah. No love lost between those two.

Shirley’s going to make a fish with some crispy skin and serve it with a crustacean broth. No mention of Asian or Chinese flavorings, so we’ll see.

Remember that pasta dish Nina’s making? Well the kitchens too hot so her dough isn’t coming out correctly. So instead of the simple agnolotti dal plin (delicately filled dumplings) she’s just going to make fettuccine instead. 

Next season I'm gonna compete.

Here comes Tom and Jon Favreau for the cook and chat! Aw, they even gave Jon his own chef’s coat. Before you disparage, to research for his movie, Jon actually took some lessons from Chef Wolfgang Puck and actually worked the line during a $190-seven-course tasting menu! Not to mention during this process Favreau spent weeks working in Chef Coi’s kitchen to see what it is all about. So he definitely earned his chef’s coat.

Walking around the kitchen, Jon pretty much follows Tom’s lead. You could tell he is fascinated by all of this, just trying to take everything in. That’s gotta be one of the fun part of directing/acting in a movie. You get to be not just a tourist but a temporary citizen in what field you’re researching. Then, at the end of it all you get to go back to your movie star life. Ha.

Potential controversy time. Nick had planned to crisp up some quinoa for his relatively soft dish. That plan didn’t work because he mistakenly thought the oven was at 275 when it’s really at 500. So the quinoa got burnt. But the controversy is, he thinks someone sabotaged him. Sigh. If there’s one (of the many) thing you learn on Top Chef is the judges don’t give a rat’s ass about that kind of stuff! Either way, quinoa’s burnt. He can’t use it. We’ll see if bites him.

Wow wow wait. What’s Brian making? Boneless skinless chicken breast?! What, does he still have an alcohol problem? Yes, I’m asking if he’s drunk because he’s making boneless skinless chicken!

Time’s almost up. This week’s rotation includes Jon Favreau, Gail Simmons, and Emeril! Emeril’s here because his foundation is involved with Cafe Reconcile. In fact, he’s actually hired some of the students that graduated from here. Papa Bear looks after his city.

Here we go.

Fish and tofu. Who'd thunk.

Shirley - Seared Snapper with Crustacean Broth, Silken Tofu & Napa Cabbage.

Homerun. It’s always a good indicator when one of the judges drool on themselves over your dish. Basically everyone loved it, including the kids who works there.

Nina - Fettuccine with Charred Calamari, Pine Nut Gremolata & Crab Meat.

Girl knows her pasta. Tom enthusiastically praises how well the pasta’s cooked. He said it’s seasoned right, cooked right, and at this stage of the game this is how dishes should taste. 

Brian - Chicken Anticucho with Twice Cooked Potatoes & Feta Walnut Pesto.

Zzzzz......

Ok. Chicken anticucho is basically a Peruvian chicken skewers. Usually made with beef hearts but nowadays anything could be considered an anticucho. Brian say this is the culmination of his past three years. This is what turned him from a burnt out drunk to the chef he is today.

Right away Padma asks, “So chicken breast??”  Um…yeah.

Overall consensus? Boring. It might be flavorful but it’s boring. Oh and Emeril’s potato was raw. You know you’re in trouble when Tom starts making fun of your food. (On the twice cooked potatoes) Tom says, “Maybe he should have cooked it three times. (chuckle)” 

Carlos - Braised Pork Belly with Sweet Potato Puree & Chipotle Tamarind Glaze.

Farmers Market Foodie.

Can’t really mess up pork belly right? Of course not. How many people ever got sent home for pork belly? To his credit Carlos has put out a good dish. Emeril loved the segment of citrus on top, giving it some sweetness and acidity. He says you can taste every single element of the dish, and Tom agreed. 

During the interlude Jon tells us how he learned the real difference between a foodie’s idea of chefs versus the real life person. Jon thought chefs would go to farmer’s market with chefs’ coats on, smelling apples. But as Gail so eloquently puts it, they’d be called “douchebags.” Chefs don’t go to farmers market, not the ones you go to anyways.

Nick - Yellowfin Tuna, Several Preparations of Carrot & Fennel Pollen Dust.

“So this was inspired by the comedy or Carrot Top?” Jon asks. Yeah. Always great when the judges take your inspiration seriously.

Carrots and...tuna?

We’ve got some problems here. Though technically proficient, the fish was under seasoned. Also Tom didn’t appreciate the few slices of raw carrots on top. Not to mention Nick committed one of the cardinal sins by telling the judges that his crispy quinoa didn’t make it. Now they all think that the dish could have used some texture. 

One of the kids says, “I mean it’s not nasty or nothing…it’s just too gooey.”

That’s the kind of reactions you want from people eating your food. Hey, at least it’s not nasty!

Service is over. Even though it was a stressful day, all the chefs enjoyed their interaction with the kids. Cafe Reconcile has such a great mission, to train kids these skills in and out of the kitchen so they can be off the streets and feel good about themselves. Check them out here.

Since there’s only five of them left there’s no need for the Flat Screen Of Doom. Judges would like to see all of them.

Nina got kudos for switching plans and still coming through with perfectly cooked pasta. 

Shirley got kudos for her amazing broth and crispy skinned fish.

Carlos got kudos for putting his heart on the line and coming through by executing his signature dish.

Nick and Brian? Well instead of kudos they got some questions to answer.

Nick made a delicious carrot sauce and carrot top flavored oil, but why a piece of bland fish that has no connection with the carrot? Also, sabotage or not (it was not) why is there no texture to the dish? 

The biggest question of the day goes to Brian. Why in everything that is delicious in this world would he use skinless, boneless chicken? Not to mention he served Emeril raw potatoes! 

The top three were neck to neck. But when you reduce manage to serve fish with tofu and make that memorable and super delicious? You deserve to win. Shirley takes it (despite the immunity) with that crustacean broth. Wait, she doesn’t get a walk-on role on the movie? C’mon!

Brian's fate awaits.

After last week, when Nick served pocket lint and chocolate chicken but got to stay because he had immunity and refused to give it up, you’d think he’d be on double secret probation and would be sent home for sneezing the wrong way. Well so did Nick. He says he would shocked if Brian got sent home instead.

Guess Nick is in shock. Because when you present something like dry skinless boneless chicken and raw potatoes to judges and you DON’T have immunity? You’ll be going home. Just be glad this isn’t Roy Choi’s show, where something like that would end up with you and him having a “talk” in the walk in freezer.

You're so not money and you don't even know it.

Yup, Brian gets the cut. Frankly he overstayed his welcome. Dude should have been sent home a long time ago. Let’s just hope this isn’t the negative turning point of his life! One day at a time buddy. One day at a time.

Next week, the finale before the finale.

Home stretch people!! We can all get through this together people! See you next week!

[Written by Mykl Wu]

Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 11: "Back to School."

8 Chefs left.

Top Chefs: Michael Voltaggio. Richard Blais. Stephanie Cmar.

Travis got the boot last week and the only person who cares is Nina. Frankly Captain "I only like Asians (food)" should have gone home when he made an Italian dish during the Vietnam challenge. 

Looking around the room, it’s going to be tough to predict who’s going home next. Each one is a good tough chef in their own right, well except for Brian and Stephanie. Can you imagine either one of them leading a band of cooks on the line into war? Yeah, me neither. 

Speaking of leading a band, this week’s Quickfire guest judge is non other than Amhir “Questlove” Thompson!

Questlove is the drummer and one of the founding members of The Roots. They’ve won multiple Grammys and are the house band for “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.”

Me and the occasional Justin Timberlake is the
only reason to watch Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Before you ask, “Wait. Is this a Lea Michelle-type of celebrity nonsense mucking up yet another episode?” Nope. Ever the true Renaissance man, Questlove appreciates all things creative in life. Not only is he musically gifted, he has also published a book, produced Broadway plays, and got into a fried chicken battle with my daily inspiration and personal hero, David Chang.

In April of 2012 Questlove challenged David Chang to a fried chicken showdown on “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.” The long-term ripple effect resulted in Questlove opening his own fried chicken joint, Hybrid. Unfortunately, he also found out the hard way how tough the restaurant biz is. Hybrid was short-lived and closed in November of 2013. Still, the man knows a thing or two about food. You know the famous sushi restaurant Sukiyabashi Jiro, from the movie “Jiro Dreams of Sushi?” Yeah dude’s been there three times in one calendar year. Now that’s a gourmand!

Spoiler alert. Chang wins.

Since fried chicken got Questlove into this, this week’s “Q” challenge is - drumsticks!

The chefs must choose between an array of different types of drumsticks ranging from duck, quail, turkey, squab, and of course chicken. 30 minutes. Winner gets immunity.

This is one of those “first come first serve” type a deal, so time for a good ole fashioned scrum. Everyone charges the table to grab their preferred protein. With 30 minutes, you kinda don’t want to end up with something like turkey, which takes forever to cook. 

During the melee Shirley kinda got knocked to the floor, and Nick being the nice guy that he is, decides to help her up instead of grabbing the duck legs. No good deed goes unpunished. Shirley ends up taking the duck and Nick ends up with quail. He is not happy about that. 

To improvise, Nick is using a frog legs recipe and making 'lollipops' with the little quail legs. Note to self: don’t ever cook quail legs because those things look impossible to prep. Dude busts out scissors to scrape what little meat there is to one side so it looks like a lollipop.

Cooking is a contact sport.

Surprise! Nina’s doing jerk flavoring. As much as she’s favored to win this thing, I wish she would do more than presenting “island” flavors. This is Top Chef, not Top Island Chef. Am I being too tough on her? #SorryNotSorry

Brian is making chicken soup. Look at that, some actual creativity from the man. He’s going to add some crispy crackling on top to give the dish some texture. I’m actually surprised and kinda impressed. Hey. I can give credit were credit’s due.

Here we go. Let’s see what they came up with.

Carrie - Squab Legs Marinated in Thyme, Juniper & Cocoa Powder with Fig Mostrada.

Questlove, “I’m not mad at this at all.”

Duck a l'orange.

See, Q’s another one of those “so cool he’s got his own language” peeps. We’re talking “hip-tang” territory here people! For you square kids out there, what Mr. Questlove is saying is that he liked this dish.

Brian - Chicken Soup, Chicken Skin Crackling with Parsley & Thai Basil.

Shirley - Crispy Duck Leg with Szechuan Chili Salt & Mint.

Nina - Jerked Guinea Hen Charred with Juniper Berries & Scotch Bonnet Peppers.

Stephanie - Fried & Grilled Turkey Leg with Sriracha & Sour Cream Buttermilk Dressing.

Can you spot the mistake?

Nick - Twice Fried Quail Legs with Sesame Sauce Rolled in Gomaiso.

The funny thing is, I kept typing quail EGGS because well, that’s what I usually think of when I say quail. Lo and behold, the graphics department was thinking the same thing. The chyron reads, “Twice Fried Quail Eggs.”

Justin - Chicken Drumettes with Smoked Aioli, Herb Salad & Sorghum Vinaigrette.

Carlos - Fried Goose Leg with Cranberries & Apple Salad.

What did Questlove think of their efforts?

On the bottom - Carlos, Justin, and Nick. Carlos’ had some shards of bone situation, which automatically landed him there. Nick’s was too salty, and Justin could have been more creative. Ironically during cooking Justin was trying to be creative and elevate simple drumettes. Guess smoked aioli is nothing more than burnt mayo.

Questlove's hair is THIS big!

Amongst the favorites are Nina, Carrie, and Brian’s. Questlove liked the spiciness of Nina’s jerked hen, the creativity of Brian’s soup, and Carrie’s perfectly cooked squab. However, if Questlove’s going to drop a cool phrase reacting to your dish? You’re probably going to win.

Carrie’s squabbies win the Quickfire. She gets the much coveted immunity. Much coveted because this week’s Elimination challenge is a doozy. 

This week, the chefs head to Louisiana State University to serve lunch for 500 freshmen during orientation week - cafeteria style.

Yup. That is a helluva challenge. I don’t care how talented a chef you are at your own restaurant doing a 100+ covers a night, cooking for 500 people in this setting is a different kind of beast. Everything from prepping, cooking, and even equipment will be different. So Carrie is super stoked to have immunity.

Cook for 500 People??

A challenge like this deserves a big prize. So the winner gets a new car! Series sponsor Toyota is kicking in a Rav 4 for the winner of this one. 

Tonight, the chefs get to relive their college days and stay overnight in the dorms. Hey, why wasn’t this episode titled “Dorm Daze?” 

Off to LSU we go!

During the car ride Brian tells us about his drunken college days and how he gruesomely cut open his arm during a party. Shirley doesn’t care, Nina doesn’t care, I found it mildly amusing because I had a similar experience in college but yeah, nobody cares. And LSU being about an hour away from New Orleans, poor peeps had to suffer through the car ride.

The gang finally arrives at LSU and is greeted by two of the peppiest freshmen guides ever. These two are straight out of central casting. They’re blonde, bubbly, and full of energy. They’re like Leslie Knope on Barbie crack.

They introduced the gang to LSU’s mascot, Mike the Tiger. LSU is the only school in the US that hosts a live tiger. You know what would have been a great twist on the elimination challenge? Loser gets in the cage with Mike. I’d bet we’d get more creative dishes!

Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya help ya help ya?

Aww. Justin never went to college so he doesn’t understand the “college experience.” Let me put it to you this way Justin. You work hard at the things you love (electives), half ass it on the things you don’t (requirements), and party hard afterwards. Rinse. Repeat. Sound familiar? 

Ok time to get down to business.

First thing is to figure out who’s doing what. There are eight different stations and everyone has gotta work together and decide who’s on what station.

This is no time to be meek. At this point of the competition you gotta step up and do your thing. The margin for error is nil. Everyone’s calling dibs on the ingredients and equipment they need. It’s funny how even at this level it’s the ole 3rd grade playground  “I called it” system that settles things.

I know it's a different context. Work with me here people!

However, what if there’s a playground bully in the midst? What if someone just plain out demand a certain thing regardless of who “called it” first?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Carlos the passive-aggressive bully.

 Early on Shirley called dibs for the “plancha,” or the big flat top grill. It’s basically what you see at diners where they cook everything from burgers to cheesesteaks. She wants to do something like a beef fried rice, which is smart because you can quickly and continuously make big batches to serve 500 people. 

But here comes Carlos who basically demands the plancha to grill his fish. He says there’s no other way he can properly prepare the fish so he deserves to use it. Mind you, he picked the fish, so it wasn’t like he didn’t have a choice. For some reason Shirley relents and gives in! For the record I would have told Carlos to go kick a can. Go find another protein to cook you SOB. 

Bad Carlos!

In a way, Carlos “Jedi mind tricked” Shirley. He did that arguing by remaining silent technique. Try it next time you need to persuade someone to do something. For example, “Hey can I have that last beer?” When the other person says no, just keep standing here and maintain eye contact like you’re still asking the question. But don’t say anything, just stare at them. More often enough the other person will be so uncomfortable they’ll eventually say yes just to end awkwardness of the silence. You're welcome. #ProTip.

Back to the kitchen. Shirley now ends up at the pizza oven station, which nobody wanted for some reason. You’re cooking for college kids people! Just bust out some flat bread pizza deal and you’ll coast through! Well, Shirley decides to use the pizza oven to make roast beef and pair it charred tomato relish. 

But I need it...waaaaah.

Justin doesn’t believe in cooking down to people. Instead of something hearty and fun, he decides to go with a high-end dish of gulf shrimp with chilled asparagus and garlic puree. Hm. I guess Justin was right all along. He really doesn’t understand the college experience. 

Grilled cheese and tomato soup. Now we’re talking. Stephanie’s got the right idea but she’s making pimento cheese by using shredded mozzarella and cottage cheese. Um, that’s disgusting. Plus, how the hell is cottage cheese going to melt? 

I like Carrie. I really do. And I know she’s only doing this because she’s got immunity. But in an “all time low” moment in Top Chef, Carrie is making (wait for it…) 

COLD BROCCOLI with HERBED YOGURT.

Apropos on so many levels this episode.

Yeah. That’s all I have to say about that. 

Time for service. Here comes a sea of impressionable young pallets. Luckily, their opinions don’t really matter. What, did you expect Bravo production team to sort through 500 opinion cards? 

Brian’s shrimp cakes looks like the most pedestrian of dishes. Basically a breaded and fried patty of shrimp and misc fillings held together by mayo. But you know what? The college kids love them. The line for his station is so long you’d think he’s serving beer with them cakes.

Can I use you oven now? Waaaah.

On the flipside, there’s Carrie’s station. #Tumbleweeds

Remember Carlos and his “Jedi mind trick?” Yeah, now he’s trying that schtick again only this time he ran into a buzz saw in the form of Nick. Carlos had planned to start his fish on the grill then finish the cooking in the oven. However, the oven belongs to Nick and Nick ain’t budging. 

“Well, I need the oven to warm my plates,” Nick says, coldly. 

Ha! Dude could care less about your fish because he wants warm plates. Now that’s how you tell someone to go pound sand. Now that’s someone who can lead his fellow cooks into battle. Kudos.

Here comes the judges. Joining Padma and Tom this week is Emeril and the ever vivacious Gail Simmons. Did you know Gail is actually Canadian and graduated from McGill University in Montreal? #Facts

The judges spilt up to sample the foods. Boys to one side, girls the other.

Here we go.

Shirley - Roast Beef with Potato Puree & Fire Roasted Tomato Relish.

Dude didn't bother to trip the stems. #FacePalm

Nina - Fried Chicken with Sweet Corn Puree & Pickled Onions.

Brian - Shrimp Cake & Spinach with Chipotle Aioli.

Everybody likes the shrimp cake. Gail like that there were actual big chunks of shrimps so it’s not like some mushy mystery “seafood” cake. Meanwhile, Shirley’s roast beef is also a crowd pleaser. One student actually said it was the best thing he’s ever put in his mouth. C’mon producers, we couldn’t get Padma to say that? 

Nick - Roasted Pork, Parmesan Grits & Bacon Brown Sugar Gravy.

Carrie - Broccoli Salad with Herbed Yogurt Sauce and Pita Bread.

Literally the saddest dish in the history of Top Chef.

Justin - Marinated Gulf Shrimp, Cauliflower, Asparagus & Garlic Puree.

Oh oh. Justin’s in trouble. As expected, college student could care less for high-end food. Not as expected, Gail found the dish bland and not flavorful. Could be trouble. And everybody pretty much thought Carrie phoned it in this week.

Stephanie - Spicy Tomato Soup with Pimento Cheese Sandwich.

Carlos - Seared Tilapia with Chile Ancho & Mexican Coleslaw.

Turncoat moment of the week. While Tom and Emeril heckled Carlos for having to wait too long for their food, Carlos had the nerve to tell them that Nick stole HIS oven! Nina overhears this and is appalled. Meanwhile the Tom and Emeril could care less. You know why? Because there are no excuses in the kitchen! 

This was a very close second. 

All the whiny nonsense aside, judges actually liked the fish. Emeril thought it had a good amount of heat from the chili, and Tom thought it was done well despite the oven business. And while Stephanie’s soup was good, the mistake came when she served the sandwich partially IN the soup, which resulted in soggy grilled cheese. Not good.

Overall, another bland showing up all the chefs. I understand this was more of a time management / volume challenge, but nothing these guys are putting out are inspiring. Watching Top Chef used to make me want to jump into the kitchen and create similar themed challenges for myself. Now it makes me want to drink. #Bored

Speaking of drinking, that’s what the chefs are doing in the stew room. There are a lot of empty bottle of wine on the table. It’s been a tough day for everyone. But it’s about to get tougher for Carlos. 

Nick brings up the whole Oven-Gate situation and Carlos starts scrambling for a retort. He has none. Meanwhile the room now turns on Carlos. See, there’s a code in the kitchen. You don’t lie, steal, or backstab a fellow cook. Carlos broke that code, and as much as he tried to weasel out of it with a haphazard apology, no one is buying it. 

Luckily for him, the Flat Screen of Doom flickers on and all the attention now turns toward the judges’ feedback.

“Considering the amount of portions the chefs have to make, I think some of them did a pretty good job,” says Tom. Talk about a lukewarm reaction to the challenge. Well, let’s see who the “some of them” are.

Brian’s croquettes, Shirley’s roast beef, and Carlos’ fish are the judges’ favorites. However, when the most exciting thing they can come during the discussion is the spinach salad on top of Brian’s shrimp cake, you know there’s a problem with everyone's performance overall. 

On the bottom, we’ve got Stephanie’s messy soup and sandwich, Justin’s bland shrimp, and (surprise!) Nina’s fried chicken. 

Pretty much sums it up.

Her chicken wasn’t properly fried and she ran out of corn puree during service. Judges don’t like in consistency. On top of that she plated her semi-crispy chicken with corn mush and pickled veggies, making the whole thing soggy. A rare misstep for her. But don’t worry, there’s no way they’re sending her home for this.

Slam on the evening was (deservedly) on Carrie. Tom said if it wasn’t for immunity she’s probably go home. It is wasn’t for immunity she definitely wouldn’t have put up that poor excuse of a dish.

When it’s all said and done, Shirley wins for being able to cook everything perfectly with a damn pizza oven. She goes home with a new Toyota Rav 4. Yup. At this point of the season the winning dish is basically steak and potatoes. 

But who gets the boot? It comes down to Stephanie’s soggy grilled cheese and Justin’s bland shrimp. Frankly my money was on Stephanie. She's just been on the bottom so many times and there’s no way anyone could mistake her for a Top anything let alone chef. 

I'm so ashamed to be a Top Chef fan that I've taken on a disguise

But alas, you just can’t serve a bland dish to Tom Colicchio. Boiled shrimp with asparagus and liquefied garlic just isn’t going to cut it. The last chef representing New Orleans goes home. All the accolades, the James Beard nominations, in the end Justin goes home for glorified shrimp salad. Sigh.

In a way this result personifies this season. There was so much anticipation and so much expectation from all things New Orleans and yet so far it’s been underwhelming and at times, bland. 

Cya Justin! No worries. La Petite Grocery is still on my list next time I’m in New Orleans!

Next week - the crack between Nick and Carlos becomes a canyon. Expect drama.

[Written by Mykl Wu]

Top Chef New Orleans Recap Episode 9:"Restaurant Wars!"

Finally! It’s time for Restaurant Wars!

It’s always one of the most anticipated challenges for both viewers and cheftestants. No gimmick, no promotional tie-ins, just straight up cooking and hospitality. 

In Chang We Trust

With that said, it’s time to bring in the big gun. In walks none other than mister no muss, no fuss, just make delicious food, bad ass and my personal hero, David Chang! 

For those of you who don’t know David Chang (you’re probably not here reading this then) he is arguably one of the founding fathers of modern day food culture. His first restaurant, Momofuku, was a closet-sized ramen joint in the lower east side of New York City. Now the brand Momofuku is a global empire, with restaurants in Toronto and Sydney. His influence on food culture extends beyond the kitchen. He has won Beard Awards not only for cooking, but for his television show “The Mind of a Chef” and his magazine Lucky Peach. Ok enough gushing about him. 

His advice, “Plan on everything going wrong.”

This team's got ALL the wins.

They will divide into teams of five. Time to draw knives.

Right away the teams seem lopsided. The Green Team consists of Carlos, Sara, Justin, Nina, and Shirley. That’s a helluva lot of wins and talent on one team. Meanwhile, The Purple Team’s got Nick, Carrie, Brian, Travis, and Stephanie. Not exactly cream of the crop here. Even Nick’s worried. He compared his team to the Bad News Bears. Hey, didn’t the Bad News Bears win? #Foreshadowing?

They will have only 24 hours to build their pop-up from the ground up. That means, fixtures, menus, even the kitchen itself. The twist this season? Each team must name an executive chef and a general manager (front of the house). It’s interesting because in past seasons the judges and teams kinda figure that out as they went along. This time the position will be named, and whoever takes the title will have a bullseye on their back if the team goes down. 

"How the hell are we going to beat them?"

Wait. What is this? Ugh. I spoke too soon. Apparently there will be a VIP table of Chase Sapphire Card members who will also get to eat at both restaurants. In this day and age where a restaurant’s emphasis is “everyone’s a VIP,” it’s totally hypocritical for the producers to pull something like this. Shameful.

The Green team decides on the concept of “Modern American.” I’m rolling my eyes because that the most vague concept title you can come up with nowadays. However, in a way that is smart because you can pretty much throw anything on the menu and still be considered “Modern American.” Sheesh.

The Purple team quickly decides on a seafood theme. They’re gonna call their joint, “Fin.” Travis jumps in and volunteers to be the general manager. He felt the need to stereotype himself by stating that “gays belong in the front of the house!” I have no idea why he’s so creepy.

Over on the Green team, the four people who can cook decides that Sara should be the general manager. Um, that’s right Sara. They don’t want you anywhere NEAR the kitchen. #Womp

Sara, I don't trust you or your hair.

Instead of discussing their dishes, the Green team decides to focus on the “feel” of the restaurant. They’re talking about what kind of plates, types table cloth, wrought-iron accents and flowers. Carlos is confused. Hell, I’m confused. This isn’t HGTV people!  Justin steps up as the executive chef. He’s been preparing for this since he was 16 years old. Um dude’s 32 years old. Top Chef hasn’t been around that long! 

The gang travels to check out The Foundry, their space for the pop-up. The Foundry’s basically a giant warehouse equipped for weddings, receptions, parties, and yes, pop-up dinners. 

The Purple team still needs an executive chef. Anyone?  

Executive chef? 

Not all at once guys! Heh. So this is a competition to find the TOP chef and peeps in this group is shying away from even being the executive chef of Restaurant Wars. Might as well go home now kids! 

The only person who’s qualified is probably Nick. Good thing he decides to step up. Travis has the nerve to ask if Nick’s done this before. Jesus, how can you be on Top Chef if you’ve never been an executive chef before?? 

After checking out the venue, the chefs head over to their event planning place where they can pick out chairs, plates, etc. Yeah, this is where you have to make some very important decisions. But you know what else is important? Your menu! While discussing what serving dishes they need, the Green team realizes that they have no idea who’s making what. But Justin doesn’t want to talk about that right now. 

Dude’s got a short fuse.

Here's...your executive chef!

We saw this last week when he got angry at other chefs for using the fire he built. Nina thought he was going to “choke somebody out.” Yeah, as the season goes on we’re finding out a little more of each chef’s personality. I guess all work no play makes Justin a dull boy. Yes, you're welcome.

As per past seasons, half of the teams head off to Whole Foods for the dainty stuff while the other half heads to the restaurant depot for the cheap stuff. 

Brian tells us he’s making scallop crudo and serving it with purple corn gel. Ooooh boys and girls, he’s going to use agar agar for the gel! He feels this dish is very “new and different so it’ll definitely stand out to the judges.” Somewhere, Wylie Dufresne is laughing his head off. Wylie’s got Eggs Benedicts older than you, son!

Time to assemble their kitchen and start cooking.

2006 Top Chef called. They want their phone back.

It’s funny. Carlos just asked Justin what he was going to make. This is not a good sign. Usually the chefs plan out a cohesive menu. This has a “every man for himself” kinda feel to it. Still, on paper the Green team is super strong. Nina’s making a pork tenderloin, Shirley poaching fish, Carlos is making snapper, and Sara ended up with dessert. She’s making a butter cake with a five spice mascarpone cheese. If they just make the food they’ve been making all season long, this should be a cake walk. 

However, Justin and Sara is not getting along. Miss Bossy pants over there is playing armchair chef as usual. That combined with Justin’s short fuse makes...let’s just say an uncomfortable working environment. 

Body language experts...go.

Meanwhile, Richard Blais wanna be (Brian) over there picked up xantham gum instead of agar agar. His “gel” is going to be less of a gel and more of a “paste.” Think the difference between jello and toothpaste. Yeah, it’s gonna taste like (pick your expletive).

Day 1 is over. The chefs retreat back to the house for more strategizing for tomorrow’s “war.” At night, Justin explains to Sara exactly how he wants the ordering tickets written, “It’s going to be about communication tomorrow. And executing.” Good luck buddy.

Next day. They have 4 hours to set up the entire restaurant, cook the food, and train the servers. That’s a LOT to get done in that short amount of time. Both Sara and Travis are setting up the tables and talking to their servers. Right away you can tell that Sara’s “sunny” disposition is contagious. Her servers are looking around, not paying attention, and generally lost. While Travis seems to have been assigned a different team of peeps. They’re attentive, taking notes, and having a great time. 

"PAIN"

Back in the kitchen, Justin is about to lose it. After spending all that time talking about plates, dude doesn’t have the plates he need for his consume. The rest of the team’s just kinda looking away and keeping to themselves. Not a good sign.

Here comes the guests. Time for war. Any predictions Mister T?

Egregiousness of the day. Restaurant and Hospitality God Danny Meyers is joining the Chase Sapphire card member’s VIP table. Of all people Danny Meyers knows that there are no such thing as VIPs because his philosophy is to treat everybody like a VIP. I’m sure he’s there under protest. Note to self: Get a Chase Sapphire Card for a chance to dine with Danny freaking Meyers!

Our Chase Sapphire Ad has been more fun than the show!

The Green team’s restaurant is named “Found.” There were no explanations as to why it’s named that. I suspect they didn’t really care what the name was and just took it from The Foundry. They couldn't even bother to copy the entire name. See, they’re taking this “team” thing very seriously.

Here comes the judges. This week we’ve got the core group of Tom, Padma, Gail, and guest Judge David Chang. They hit up “Fin” first. Gail seems to like the name. She thought was catchy and quick, “You know you’re getting fish and seafood.”

First dish from the Purple team. 

Brian (Fin)

Scallop Crudo, Corn and Squash Relish with Purple Corn Gel.

Somebody tell Venkman they caught Slimer.

David Chang said this dish is just “too snotty.” That’s all you need to know. Oy.

Meanwhile over at Found, the initial cracks are beginning to show. Danny Meyer’s VIP table didn’t get any menus. They’re just sitting around staring at each other. And when one of the VIPs asked for something in additional to the menu, Sara simply walked away before the diner could finish his request.

Also, remember last night's instructions on how to fill out the ordering ticket? Yeah just throw that out the window. Nothing is done the way they discussed. The judges aren’t even there yet and they’re already in the weeds. Not good.

Back at Fin, things are running smoothly. Tom noticed that food is coming out of the kitchen at a good consistent pace.

Second course from the Purple Team.

When in doubt, add caviar.

Carrie (Fin)

Sautéed Gulf Shrimp, Chickpea Puree, Oregano and Lemon.

Stephanie (Fin)

Linguini with Caviar, Oyster Cream & Fennel.

Though not perfect, judges liked both dishes. Stephanie must have done her homework because her pasta is cooked perfectly al dente, just the way Tom likes it. Plus, caviar and oyster cream couldn’t hurt. 

And Fin’s service is rolling along great. Tom notices that all the diners are happy, and even pointed out Travis’ sneaky chef move of kneeling down to chat with customer at the table so he’s on their level. Things are looking pretty good so far the the underdogs.

Here comes Purple team’s main course.

The little piece of kale makes this a healthy dish.

Nick (Fin)

Roasted Black Drum, King Trumpet Mushrooms, Oxtail, Kale & Hibiscus Reduction.

By far the best dish so far. You know when David Chang says the word “delicious” in his special way, the food is delicious. 

Now for the Purple Team’s Dessert.

Travis (Fin)

Olive Oil Cake with Greek Yogurt, Cherries & Pistachios.

Though not the moistest of cakes, it passed the mustard by presenting a decent cherry gel. Much better gel than Brian’s. Dessert’s always an afterthought in Restaurant Wars anyways. That’s why the front of the house person usually do a dessert.

We want our money back. Wait. This was free. Nevermind

Fin is now finis. Judges moving on to Found.

Ugh. What a terrible name.

On their way in Padma swings by the VIP table and yeah, feedback is not so good. Now they’ve got a biased opinion even before being seated. See how important a restaurant’s reputation is? 

The following is a public service announcement for future Top Chef contestants who are lucky enough to participate in Restaurant Wars. 

Rule number 1 in Restaurant Wars. Don’t ignore the judges’ table. 

I can’t believe that has to spelled out as a rule. Since sitting down, no one has come over to chat up the judges or to take their order. Unbelievable. 

I will NOT be ignored.

Things are going down fast at Found. Before the first course is even out, Tom’s already made the painfully obvious “lost” joke. Sara “verbally” ordered the judges dishes but didn’t give Justin a ticket. Thus, food is not ready and the judges are left to wait.

Rule number 2 in Restaurant Wars. Don’t let the judges wait for food.

Judges are not patient people. You keep them waiting for food and you’re going to face sassy Padma. You don’t want none of that. 

Rule number 3 in Restaurant Wars. Explain the dish to the judges.

No really. My face is just stuck this way.

Judges like to be talked to. And everyone likes to know what they’re eating and how it is made. That’s kind of an important part of the dining experience. 

I’m not sure if Sara has a hearing problem or what. Because just like before when the VIP diner called out to Sara to no avail, Padma tried to call Sara back to explain the dishes. Sara just kept walking, seemingly deaf to Padma’s voice and blind to the S-storm of a showing in Restaurant Wars.

Finally, the food. Here are Green team’s appetizers.

Knife work by Gollum. 

Carlos (Found)

Red Snapper Crudo, Avocado Mousse, Pickled Baby Carrots & Fried Platano.

Justin (Found)

Roasted Parsnip Agnolotti, Mississippi Rabbit & Collard Greens Broth.

Yeah we’ve got problems. Carlos’ snapper is not properly slice. David Chang thought it was almost “hand torn.” And Justin’s rabbit is overcooked. Oh remember that plate he wanted but didn’t have? Yeah it did end up biting him in the you know where.

David Chang propose that him and Tom go back into the kitchen and take over. Now THAT would make this an interesting episode. 

Green team’s second course.

Shirley (Found)

Olive Oil Poached Cobia, Blanched Ong Choy & Salsa Verde.

Finally. Some good news for the Green team. Tom thought Shirley’s fish is assertive without being over the top and has lots of flavor. Will it be too little too late?

Main Course. 

Hmm. Medium rare pork.

Nina (Found)

Pork Tenderloin with Sunchokes & Trumpet Royale Mushrooms.

Once again Sara just dropped the plate and left without explaining the dish. I’m starting to think she’s doing all this on purpose. Not to mention every time she bring out food she’s instructing the other server to “smile!” Then she puts on that incredibly plastic fake smile. 

As always, Nina’s dish is delicious and considered the best dish of this group. She’s so far and away better than the rest of the competition it’s hard to see her not winning this whole thing. Unlike odds on favored Kristen Kish from last season, Nina didn’t step up as chef in this Restaurant Wars. So unless she falters in future team challenges (which will be scarce because of dwindling numbers) this is pretty much her title to lose.

Back in the kitchen, Sara’s 5 spice mascarpone is broken. They can’t serve it. So Sara is going to have to serve her dessert without a major component. 

Sara (Found)

Summer Nectarine Brown Butter Cake with Moscato Nectarine Salsa.

This is not the expression you want from judges.

Guess which dish Sara voluntarily explains in detail with enticing adjectives and all? Yup. Her own dish. Sassy Padma puts the smack down right away and calls Sara out in front of the other judges. And yeah, they noticed the missing mascarpone. Judges tend to notice things like that.

Service is over. It’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen. 

This week it’s not so much the Flat Screen of Doom but the Flat Screen of Tom explaining how hard this challenge is. Because clearly neither team’s food wowed anybody. It’s going to come down to the overall dining experience. 

THIS is what you want from judges. But he's point at Padma.

The Bad News Bears comes away with the upset. Their food, and more importantly their smooth and fast service provided the judges and the diners a much better dining experience. People were just happier at Fin. As much as Travis showed up as the front of the house manager today, the executive chef Nick takes home the title. Doesn’t hurt that he also made the best dish of the evening. He’s definitely gaining momentum.

This result shows one thing. This is why most kitchens are in a brigade system. There is a chef, and there are cooks that serves at the pleasure of the chef. That’s why the word chef is derived from Chief. In a kitchen you need a leader and you need followers. The Purple team, albeit filled with a roster of talented chefs, they were unable to follow one person’s lead. And frankly, Justin the hothead wasn’t a good leader. Which brings us to…

The Last Rule of Restaurant Wars. Don’t piss off Padma.

Sassy Padma called the whole night a “disaster” and immediate asks Sara what happened. And when Sara tried to defend herself, Padma calls her out about the “non-explanation” of her fellow chef’s dishes. Judging by the reactions of Nina and Shirley, they had no idea. 

"Just don't peek. Just don't peek. Eyes up. Eyes up!"

Basically it comes down to Justin or Sara. Who should they kick off for such a pathetic showing at one of the more important challenges of the season? Regardless of who is actually to blame, everyone can tell that Sara’s attitude is just poisonous. Even when she’s speaking to the judges she has this expression on her face like everybody owes her money. 

As much as the editors tried to make the judges' conversation a “debate,” I’ll bet this was one of the quickest decisions ever. 

Tom says he really believe the problems from the front of the house migrated to the kitchen and is the main cause of the evening’s disastrous result. And for that, Sara gets the boot. That and I’m sure they’re all just tired of her sour attitude. 

See. Told you it's stuck that way.

Frankly. I think Sara tanked the service on purpose. I think she tried to sabotage in hopes to get Justin sacked. Yup. I sincerely believe it’s in her to attempt something like that. I believe there’s a reason why she’s no longer working with Wolfgang Puck. Well, at least things wont be awkward if and when Chef Puck shows up as a guest judge! 

So long Sara! For you next gig I’d consider working at the Dinner Detective. It’s located right in downtown Minneapolis, and this way you can cook and put on that fake smile on stage all in the same night! 

Thanks for stopping by! Next week Emeril gets back in the house and looks like we've got a rice and peas challenge!

Written By Mykl Wu.